Hoseok
I don’t know what is going on right now as I storm away from the room. I can’t believe what is happening. One moment we were fine, then she’s breaking up with me. I can’t believe she’s blaming our relationship for what happened. I know she’s probably scared and confused but I don’t get why she is pushing me away instead of letting me in and helping her.
‘Hyung… hyung.’ I hear Jimin yelling while Jungkook rushes to hold my arm.
‘Let me go.’ I say as I push Jungkook off of me forcefully. He looks at me with wide eyes. He’s taken aback at my sudden action. Yes, I’ve scolded them before and I force them to pay attention, but I never yell at them, moreover raise my hand on them. I run my hand through my hair as I begin to walk away but Jungkook stops me again as he comes in front of me.
‘Hyung please. You shouldn’t drive.’ Jungkook says but I glare at him. ‘If you want to go somewhere, I’ll come with you. I’ll take you but don’t drive like this.’ He says. I hear the urgency in his voice, his worry at my distraught nature but right now I don’t care. I just want to get out of here.
‘That’s what you’re worried about?’ I ask as I take out my car keys and slam them into his chest. ‘Here, I won’t drive. Happy now?’ I ask as I begin to walk away.
‘Hoseok.’ Jin says in an almost authoritative voice which is so rare to hear. I know I *ed up but I am not in the mood for lectures but I still stop and look up at him. I don’t see the usual smile, instead his lips are in a thin line. ‘I know you’re upset but don’t take it out on Jungkook, especially when he is simply looking out for you.’ He says.
‘I just want to be alone.’ I say. ‘Hyung get out of my way...please.’ I say as I push him away too. I hurry through the emergency corridor and leave the hospital.
I find myself wondering around until I finally settle at a bar. I don’t know how long I have been here, but I do know that I drank more than I should have. I look at the glass of whiskey in my hand as I chuckle bitterly when someone sits down beside me. I look at him, squint my eyes to recognize who would bother me – it’s none other than Yoongi and Jimin.
‘If you’re going to drink, you shouldn’t do it alone.’ Yoongi says as he settles on my right, while Jimin sits next to my left. ‘Three whiskey.’ Yoongi orders and the bartender nods.
‘Why are you here and why are you drinking?’ Jimin asks and I frown.
‘What are you? My mother?’ I ask, a little colder than I meant to. He looks at me and gives me a small, corner smile.
‘Something like that… I’m your brother.’ He replies as the bartender comes with the drinks. Yoongi hands one to me and I take it.
‘Do you really think drinking will solve anything?’ Yoongi asks and I shrug. ‘It doesn’t. We know what happened… we kind of could hear you arguing.’ Yoongi says.
‘Then I don’t have to explain anything.’ I say as I down the drink and frown. I give the signal to the bartender to bring another drink. ‘How can she blame our relationship for what happened? It’s not like we were out on a date when it happened, we were at work.’ I say angrily after a few moments of silence.
‘Hyung, she’s probably not even thinking straight right now. She’s still under shock.’ Jimin says and I sigh. The bartender brings me another shot of whiskey which I start to play with.
‘Imagine if you found your noona bloodied and beaten up. Wouldn’t you be shocked?’ Yoongi asks and I nod. I shiver at the very thought. I imagine my own sister being in that state and it makes me feel like I want to throw up.
‘She might be thinking that she missed the signs of him getting into trouble again. Just give her some time.’ Jimin adds and I nod.
‘She might try to push us away but we need to show her we’re here for her. Do you have any idea what might have happened?’ Yoongi asks and I shake my head.
‘No idea. For the past months, he’s been working hard at the construction company, although thinking about it now, these last couple of days he has been more edgy than usual.’ I say as I recall how he didn't eat dinner with us the last time I was there when he usually always does. ‘I wonder if he started playing again.’ I mumble to myself.
‘Gambling can be an addiction. It’s not as easy as to say I’m going to stop. I mean sure, at first maybe, but it’s like your body craves it – the risk, the thrill, the play. It's like any other addiction.’ Yoongi says.
‘If he found himself drawn to that place, he might have played and lost money.’ Jimin adds.
‘Aish we both thought he was doing better. He was working so hard and was proud of that.’ I say with a frown as I down the drink that I was playing with.
I wake up the next day with a horrible hangover. I sit in bed with a groan and I hear Jimin sitting up as well. ‘How are you feeling hyung?’ He asks.
‘Horrible. My head wants to explode and my stomach is all upset.’ I reply honestly – but that’s not just it. The moment I opened my eyes, my first thought was of Yoona and what happened yesterday. I still don’t get it – why is she pushing me away instead of letting me help her when something is definitely up? How can I protect her if I don’t know what is going on?
‘I’ll go get you some water.’ Jimin offers and I nod but instantly regret it as a wave of pain hits my head. Jimin leaves our bedroom and I sigh. I start to recall my behaviour yesterday and I frown. I shouted at Jungkook and even pushed him away, I disrespected Jin as my hyung, showed totally inappropriate behaviour by getting myself drunk at the bar. I kept drinking one whiskey after another and I could barely keep myself steady. I guess Yoongi and Jimin must have brought me home.
The door opens and Jungkook walks in with a glass of something herbal. ‘Morning hyung.’ Jungkook says as he sits down next to me. I look at his face, trying to search for any hints of annoyance or anger but there is none.
‘Jungkook.’ I say but he smiles at me and it makes me feel even worse.
‘You don’t have to say anything. I know you were upset and didn’t mean to act that way.’ He says as he pushes the glass into my hand.
‘It doesn’t excuse my behaviour towards you. I am so sorry – for shouting and pushing you away. You were just looking out for me and my safety. I am sorry.’ I say.
‘Apology accepted so stop worrying about it. Now drink this… according to Minji this is the best hangover cure.’ He says as he points to the glass. I look at it and bring it to my nose.
‘It smells horrible.’ I say as I feel my stomach begin to do cartwheels in my body.
‘She said that if it smells horrible, I did it right.’ He says with a shrug. I close my eyes, pinch my nose and start gulping it down. I finish it in one go and look at Jungkook.
‘At least it doesn’t taste as bad as it smells.’ I say. We stay next to each other for a moment before Jungkook looks at me.
‘What are you going to do about noona? You won’t give up, right?’ He asks and I sigh.
‘I don’t want to but she looks like she made up her mind. Still, I’ll talk to her again and give her some time to calm down. I don’t know if she’s in danger or not so I want to keep my eyes on her and be there for her whatever way I can.’ I say and he nods.
‘We’ll all help whatever way we can too.’ Jungkook assures me. ‘Feeling any better?’ He asks.
‘Actually yeah – I guess your sister’s cure for hangovers is a real miracle worker.’ I say with a slight chuckle.
We arrive at BigHit and go to the dance studio but Yoona isn’t there. Usually, she arrives before us or with us if I go to pick her up. Still, it's not that much of a surprise considering everything that happened yesterday. Manager Sejin walks in. ‘Yoona called to inform you that she is going to be a little bit late.’ He says.
‘Did she tell you why?’ Yoongi asks. I know why he’s asking – it’s so we know what she told them and we can collaborate with her story.
‘Her brother was involved in some kind of accident yesterday. He’s doing better today but still has a long way for recovery.’ Manager Sejin responds and we nod. We watch as he leaves while we look at each other.
‘Aish she should have taken today off and stayed with her brother.’ Jin comments and I nod in agreement but we all know how professional Yoona is. She's always been so good at drawing a line between personal and professional.
‘Let’s carry out with the stretching and warm ups so at least she doesn’t feel bad about it.’ Jimin says. We start doing that and around ten minutes later, she jogs in. She stands at the door, her eyes fixed on me and mine fixed on hers. She looks like she has been running, sweat pouring from her forehead.
Her eyes show how tired she actually is, like she didn't get any sleep at all. She closes her eyes and lets out a shaky breath and I see her lips tremble and her hands balled into a fist. I guess she is trying to keep her emotions in check.
She walks up to me and stands before me. ‘Hoseok – can we talk in private?’ She asks and I nod as we walk outside of the dance studio. ‘Hoseok, I know that yesterday I said some hurtful things to you – things you didn’t deserve.’ She says. I remember what she said yesterday – yes, she said some hurtful thing but the first thing she did say was that she loves me. I believe that. I know she does and I know she thinks she is doing what is best for her brother which is why I won’t give up on her, no matter what she says.
‘You were under shock and for some reason you blamed yourself and our relationship for what happened. If you need some time and space, I’ll give you that. I’ll wait for you.’ I say. I see her tears rolling down her cheeks which she quickly wipes away.
‘Please don’t make this harder than it is. I’m the only one who can protect my mother and brother. Our father walked out on us and I’m the one who needs to pick my act and be there for them.’ She says. I reach for her hand, scared she’ll pull away but she doesn’t.
‘You’ve been doing that for years Yoona but you don’t have to do it all alone anymore. You have me and the boys and even Minji and Yun. You’re not alone.’ I repeat.
‘I have to do this alone Hoseok. You can’t understand and I don’t expect you to. I just hope you don’t hate me for doing this.’ She says and I scoff.
‘Hate you? I can never hate you even if I am confused and angry and heartbroken. What I promised you is real Yoona. I will wait for you.’ I say.
‘Hoseok, I’m here to give my resignation letter.’ She says holding an envelope in her hands. I stare at her and shake my head. ‘If you think me being here, as your dance teacher will make it more difficult for you to move on or it will make things awkward for you, please tell me. I do not want to abandon you and the boys, especially right now but one word from you and I will hand it in immediately.’ She says.
‘No. No Yoona, don’t you even dare.’ I say as I grab the envelope. I begin to tear it in pieces before I storm to the trashcan and throw it away. ‘Don’t leave. If you can’t be with me right now, fine, don’t be but don’t leave. That’s not fair on the others and it would…’ I begin before I stop myself and look at her. ‘That would just break me.’ I say and she nods.
‘I’m so sorry for doing this to you Hoseok. I really am but I don’t have a choice right now.’ She says.
‘For some reason, I believe that. I know you’re not doing it because you don’t love me or because you want to give up on me. I understand Yoona but I need you to promise me something.’ I say. ‘I need you to promise me that if you’re in some kind of trouble, you tell me. You need to talk to me so I can help you and protect you, so can you promise me that?’ I ask and she gives me a small smile but doesn’t say anything. ‘Yoona?’ I ask.
‘Let’s go practice.’ She says, refusing to make the promise which only tells me one thing – she or Baekhyun are in serious trouble. Yoona doesn’t keep anything from us usually and since that time when she was going to leave, she has always asked for help when she needed it. The only time she didn’t was when it involved her brother being in trouble.
We finish practice and Yoona goes to talk with Bang to inform him about her brother. I take the opportunity to go and visit Baekhyun myself. It’s not just to find out what is going on but also because I really want to visit him. Yesterday, I was so focused on Yoona, I barely registered that he was seriously hurt. Over the last couple of months, I've really grown fond of him and grown to love him as a little brother.
I reach the hospital and walk to his room where I see his mother walking out. ‘Oh Hoseok – you came.’ She says as she grabs my hands. I see her red, puffy eyes which shows she has been crying.
‘Of course Eomma. Yoona is in a meeting with Bang so I thought I could pay a visit myself.’ I say and she nods.
‘He’s awake right now. Go on in, I’ll give you some time.’ She says and I nod as I kiss her cheeks. I knock on the door and push it open. Baekhyun looks at me and smiles a bit as he tries to prop himself up but immediately regrets it as he cries out in pain.
‘Hold on. Let me help you.’ I say as I rush to his side. I push my arms under him and help him sit up. ‘Better?’ I ask and he nods. I look at him and take his image in. The poor boy’s face is not even recognizable. It’s no wonder she was so shaken up. Even I feel my heart breaking seeing him like this. ‘Are you in a lot of pain?’ I ask as I pull up a chair and sit down next to the bed.
‘Only if I move too much or too suddenly. They gave me as much painkillers as they could.’ He says. ‘Hyung… is noona still being stubborn?’ He asks and I look at him confused. My eyes fall on his hand which is in a cast. Someone really wanted to hurt him badly. ‘Yesterday… I, I kind of heard you arguing. I know she said she’s breaking up with you because she’s distracted but the truth is, she thinks she’s protecting you. I guess she thinks that whoever did this to me, might hurt you too and I actually think she’s right. Hyung you have to be careful.’ He says as he suddenly grabs my hand with his good one.
‘What’s going on Baekhyun? Are you in trouble again?’ I ask but he doesn’t say anything. ‘I told you that if you’re ever in trouble, you should come to me. You’re Yoona’s brother but you’re also my friend. I want to help you.’ I say.
‘I know hyung but you can’t. I don’t know who did this or why. I was jumped from behind and didn’t see anything. Please, just let it go hyung.’ He says and I sigh. The more I talk with Yoona and Baekhyun, the more I am convinced that they are in trouble but I don’t know what to do.
‘Okay, okay don’t get agitated. It’s not good for you.’ I say and he frowns. I see a single tear rolling down his cheek. ‘Why are you crying?’ I ask and he scoffs.
‘My sister has been the backbone of our family ever since father left us hanging dry. She always looks out for me, even when I pushed her away. I really wanted to make her proud but I keep disappointing her and keep costing her. Brothers should be the one who protect their sisters, even if they are older than them, not the other way around.’ He says.
‘Baekhyun, that’s not the case. I have an older sister too. My noona is really special to me, and like you, I want to see her happy and safe but it’s the same for her. She still looks out for me and every time she calls, she nags at me to make sure I am resting and eating well.’ I say with a smile. ‘Lately, I’ve gotten to see two siblings, twins actually who just got to know each other now.’ I say.
‘You mean Jungkook and Minji?’ He asks and I nod. ‘I read about them and Yoona told me when she saw me reading the article. It’s pretty amazing they found each other now.’ He says and I nod once more.
‘Their very first encounter, they didn’t know they were siblings but Minji was almost run over by a car if it weren’t for Jungkook who pushed her away. Recently, they were in an accident. A drunk driver hit the bridge they were on and he fell into the river. She jumped after him and pulled him out and even did CPR on him. Minji is terrified of the water spaces like that but she did it anyway. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that brothers and sisters protect each other. There’s no specific rule that says brothers should be the only ones to protect their sisters. Yoona adores you and I know you love her too. Things will get better.’ I say, trying to reassure him.
Yoona
‘Are you sure you’ll be able to handle it? You already have a lot on your plate right now.’ Bang says and I nod.
‘I need to do this. Think about it Bang – this is a once in a life time opportunity. If I win this dance competition, it solidifies my career as a choreographer and dancer but frankly, I kind of need the money too to pay for my brother’s hospital bills.’ I say. Not exactly the truth but it has to do.
There will be a dance competition in two weeks’ time. It’s the annual dance competition which is held for choreographers in the K-pop industry. Big names such as Koharu, Kyle Hanagami, Ko Kyungjun and many others will all be taking part. Last year, I couldn’t compete because of an injury but this year will be the perfect opportunity. The winner gets twenty five million won which is exactly the amount I need to pay off the debt.
‘Okay, okay fine. Listen, I can help with the money for your brother. You don’t need to push yourself so much.’ He says but I shake my head.
‘No, it’s fine Bang. It’s a win-win situation.’ I say and he nods, finally giving up on trying to change my mind. It’s not because he doesn’t want me to do it but rather because he is worried about my health. ‘I’d appreciate if you don’t tell the boys about it. They’ll just worry and will insist on paying but I don’t want that. Call me ignorant or arrogant but I do still have my pride.’ I say. No, that’s not the reason – the reason is I won’t be able to look them in the eye knowing I gave their money away to a psycho.
‘I understand that better than anyone Yoona. It’s not a sin to be proud unless your pride is used to hurt others. It’s just a question of self-respect and I admire that. I’ll keep it a secret unless I see the need to do otherwise.’ He says and I nod, knowing that he’s talking about my health again.
‘Thank you Bang. I really do appreciate it.’ I say as I stand up and bow. He stands up as well and brings me into a hug.
‘As for Hoseok, think twice about it. I know it’s not my place to comment on your relationship, but I’ve seen the two of you grow. I know how much he cares about you and I know you care about him a lot too.’ He says and I sigh.
‘It’s just better this way Bang.’ I say and this time, he’s the one sighing before he nods and lets me go.
I arrive at the hospital to see Eomma with Minji and Yun. They both stand up and smile at me. ‘Hello Unnie. We knew you’d be coming here so we brought you and your family some food.’ Minji says.
‘I made some soup for your brother but he insisted on waiting for you before he starts to eat. I hope you like the food.’ Yun says.
‘Girls, you didn’t have to do this. I know you’re super busy with school and work.’ I say as I approach them.
‘Have you forgotten what we said on New Year?’ Minji asks as I look at her. ‘We’re a family. Granted, we’re the newbies but you’ve done a lot for us already and we really care about you. So, come on, sit down, shut up and eat.’ Minji instructs, making me smile.
‘Yoona, I’m really glad to see you have some female friends and to see they are so sweet and caring. I’m proud of you.’ Eomma says as I sit down next to her. Meanwhile, Yun and Minji are both moving about in an expert-like manner as they take out the food.
‘Did you bring food to feed an army?’ I ask in disbelief.
‘You’ll have some extra to take with you. I know you’ll be busy running from the hospital to work.’ Yun says.
‘So we need to make sure you stay in your top health while taking care of your brother.’ Minji says, offering me a smile which I return. I hear the door opening and I see Yoongi and Jimin walking in with some drinks in their hands.
‘Ah hi noona you're finally here. The girls called and said they brought some food but forgot to bring some drinks.’ Jimin says with a smile. I feel my heart warming as I see all of this. Seeing my friends looking out for me and my family, even if they don’t know them. The boys, who have known me for quite some time have not taken it against me for breaking up with Hoseok. Instead, they have chosen to not talk about it to make sure I am not uncomfortable. The girls, who I have known for some time but really got close to them the past few months have also gone out of their way to help.
‘Yeah. Jungkook, Namjoon, Taehyung and Jin will come to visit tomorrow. They didn’t want to crowd up the room.’ Yoongi explains.
‘I feel so popular, getting so many people to visit me. Earlier, Hoseok-hyung came to visit me as well.’ Baekhyun says.
‘He did?’ I ask, staring at him. Baekhyun nods with a big smile on his swollen face. ‘I.... excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.’ I say as I stand up and run out of the room and into the bathroom. I get into the cubicle and lock the door. I squat down to my knees as I begin to sob, my heart aching for Hoseok.
I want him to be here. I want to be in his protective arms as they wrap around me. I want to hear the steady rhythm of his beating heart. I want to hear his gentle voice against my ear. I want him… but I can’t have him. If I have him, I’m signing his death sentence. He can have anyone in the world, he’ll find someone who can make him happy without putting him in danger… even if it breaks my heart.
I hear a knock on the door and I stand up and wipe the tears away. I walk out of the cubicle to see Minji and Yun there. They look at me and they each take a hand to hold.
‘I know you’re scared right now and maybe confused and angry but we’re here for you.’ Yun says.
‘Whatever you need, we’re here.’ Minji says as they both pull me into a hug. The three of us stay like that as I cry, letting lose of my heartache, worry and fear.
The rest of the first week rolls by quickly. In the morning, I do rehearsals with the boys. Things aren’t awkward but I do feel the difference and I know the boys do well. They keep their distance in the sense they do not joke around in the same way they did before. I realize that they knew about mine and Hoseok’s feelings way before we even knew about them which is why they always joked around with us in the way they did. As they continue to work on their comeback, I work on my other BTS related stuff. That means training their back up dancers. It’s always an ongoing process because I have to make sure everyone is in sync.
As soon as I finish with that, I rush to the hospital. The boys have been taking it in turn to visit Baekhyun at the hospital and the girls come every day to bring me and my family food. Yun is always preparing different kinds of healthy soups for him and I do think they have made him get better. Although he is still at the hospital, the swelling in his face has gone down quite a bit although still visible and the pain has somewhat decreased. His ribs are still not healed and of course his hand is going to take a long time to heal but at least I see him smile every now and then.
What the boys don’t know is that after that, I return back to the dance studio. I practice for the competition until my bones ache and my breath catches in my throat – until my body cannot take anymore. The next day, it’s a repeat of the day before.
I look at the mirror as I breathe hard. My forehead, chest and back are covered in sweat, making my skin look like it’s glittering. My hair, which is in a pony tail is all wet and tangled up. ‘Come on Yoona. You can do this. It’s just another week to go.’ I say, trying to hype myself up.
I go to my phone and get ready to play the song again. I swear I’m going to end up dreaming about it. This song is a force within itself so it gives me room to work and express all my anger but there is a certain elegance to it. The beginning sounds like a clockwork so I begin the dance to look like a puppet being moved.
How appropriate to dance like a puppet when I feel like I am one. Everything I am doing feels like it’s being controlled by Boss. As the music gets more intense, so does my dancing. I reach a point where I am spinning over and over again. I lose count and before I know it, I have to stop.
I feel dizzy and nauseous as I collapse to the ground with a loud thud. I feel my body hit the cold ground but I don't have any energy to stop my fall. ‘Yoona!’ I hear a familiar voice yell. I try to look up but I feel so weak. It feels like my body is shutting down on me right now – telling me to stop and rest.
I feel someone rushing beside me as they turn me around. ‘Yoona what’s wrong? Can you hear me?’ He asks as he shakes me. I open my eyes and for a moment, it feels like the world is spinning around me. ‘Yoona? Are you okay?’ He asks and I suddenly recognize the voice – Hoseok.
‘Hoseok…’ I whisper and he nods as my vision becomes to get clearer. I go to sit up and he helps me. ‘Wh-what are you doing here?’ I ask and I hear him sighing.
‘After leaving the hospital, I realized I forgot my phone and wallet here so I came to pick them up with Jungkook. I heard the music and came to check and saw you dancing. Then you collapsed all of a sudden.’ He says and I sigh.
‘Where’s Jungkook now?’ I ask as I realize he’s not here. The last thing I want is for him to get a doctor or inform Bang. He would definitely tell me to stop.
‘He went to get you some water.’ He says and I sigh. As if on que, I hear the door opening as Jungkook comes running beside me. He opens the water bottle for me and gives it to me.
‘Noona are you okay?’ He asks and I nod.
‘Don’t lie to us Yoona, please.’ Hoseok says as he squeezes my hand. I see the concern and worry written all over his face and I sigh again.
‘I was just practicing and got dizzy doing the spins. I’m fine now really.’ I say, trying to reassure him. ‘Can you help me up please?’ I ask and he nods as he stands up and helps me too.
‘What are you doing here? Have you been coming here every day?’ He asks and I nod.
‘There’s a dance competition in a week’s time. I really want to win so I’ve been pushing myself too much I guess.’ I say. It’s not exactly a lie. I really do want to win … actually, I really need to win.
‘Aish Yoona. You must have exhausted yourself. Why didn’t you tell us? You could have gotten a break and focused on the competition. Did you think we wouldn’t let you or something?’ Hoseok asks.
‘No, no far from that.’ I say as I shake my head – wrong move. I feel dizzy all over again and Hoseok seems to notice as he is quick to place a hand on my back and keep me from falling.
‘You’re not fine. I’m taking you to the hospital.’ He says.
‘No!’ I say firmly. ‘Please Hobi, no hospital. I just need a good night sleep. I’ll go home and rest and I’ll be fine by tomorrow morning, I promise.’ I say.
‘Your mother is with your brother at the hospital. How about you come to the dorm?’ Jungkook asks and I gulp. ‘Wait – that would be too awkward. I’ll call Minji then, she’ll be more than happy to help you.’ He adds.
‘I don’t want to be a bother.’ I say but he rolls his eyes and begins to call her anyway. Aish these boys! They’re so stubborn.
‘Jungkook is right Yoona. If you won’t let me take you to the hospital, at least let me be reassured with you not being alone.’ He says so I nod. ‘Thank you.’ He says.
‘Minji said it’s okay and they’ll be waiting for you.’ Jungkook says and I give him a smile.
